“There will always be suffering. But we must not suffer over the suffering” – Alan Watts

Today when I think of all the relationships that I’m part of, it’s seemingly endless. As a trainer, lifestyle coach, role model, friend, Partner, son, sibling, uncle. It’s certain that throughout my life I have experienced pain, my own pain and that of others, both psychological and physiological. Physiological pain is somewhat simple. There’s a stress the body isn’t adapting to or a sudden onset of pain has occurred through trauma. Psychological plain is not so different. Conscious change is in need to ensure progression through healing and adaptation occurs. Today we’re going take a look into utilising conscious change to progress from psychological pain.

Psychology research suggests two types of psychological pain. The first type is existential pain (clean pain). This pain exists in human experiences such as the death, the loss of something or someone you love. Everyone experiences this type of pain, its reality.

The second type of pain is considered neurotic pain (dirty pain). Neurotic pain is a toxic, self-created, self-maintained story we tell ourselves about the “existential” pain. It is often this that causes us the most suffering. This is our negative self-talk, internal criticisms, resentment or victim mentality. This is our thoughts about reality. Not reality itself.

Today I engage in over 60 face-to-face sessions a week. A Major percentage of clients coming to me are from a point of pain and discomfort in their current situation seeking change and direction to allow for more enjoyment in their lives. Some are coming from existential pain , others neurotic pain.

Pain has its place, but ‘We must not suffer over the suffering”

This leads me perfectly into my next point. Pain and discomfort is a driving force behind positive change. I experience the necessity and value of pain every day. But I also see the common mistake of avoiding change and people living in Neurotic pain. Pain should be temporary, only when pain is constant; does it become problematic.

The person who changed jobs to chase their dream career didn’t do so from the enjoyment their old role was providing them. Nor does the person who ends a toxic relationship to find someone they truly enjoy sharing life with. My point is, if not for suffering would they have ever sort after a life of more?

It sounds simple, move on from negative experience. Yet we see this everywhere we turn. People staying in roles they despise, toxic relationships that are negatively affecting families and increasing neurotic pain.

So what separates those who move on from those who remain in Neurotic pain?

Is it fear of the unknown or maybe their external expectations are influencing their actions and possibly even Mental illness?

This list could go on and on, people could be this way for many reasons. Though what they all have in common is the inability to think outside the internal story they tell themselves about their situation therefore inhibiting their ability to move on.

Turn your pain into progress

The key to progressing through pain is to have the ability to move on. How I do this is through 3 steps identify, detach then utilise. I personally use this 3-step rule successfully with clients and I would like to share it with you today in hope that it will help you or someone you may know.

Identify – The purpose of this is to find the underlying source of pain. Is it existential or neurotic? If neurotic, you may need some carefully structured sentences to help get yourself to the root cause. I use the 5 whys principle

Detach – This can prove to be difficult when experiencing neurotic pain. Though, once you can detach from the root cause and look at it from an almost emotionless perspective you will gain control. With Neurotic pain, control is the key!

Whilst I’m not promoting you to be an emotionless zombie, It can be very beneficial to leave them aside at times to allow for clarity.

I personally use deep breathing to create an emotionless state that allows me to revisit problems much more productively.

Utilise – Once people in neurotic cycles utilise this detachment to gain clarity of their current state they see what it is they truly want and need to progress in their current situation, they then move forward. Sometimes experiencing something you don’t want can create amazing clarity around what you do want. I hope this article helps you or someone you may know progress past neurotic pa
in.

I am now going to finish this article and leave with this invaluable quote that I’d like you to take with you.

“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can’t control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible.” EPICTETUS. The Art of Living